I · failed · you · again, · cause · I · let · you · stay. · I · use · to · pretend · that · I · felt · okay.

I'm about ready to go slit my fucking wrists. I just...DON'T care anymore. I'm so sick of fucking everything and I hate this motherfucking town and I hate everybody in it...Spare a limited few. Seriously, I could go take a bunch of pills and slit my wrists and die for all I care. But I have to stay here for people who I haven't even fucking met! And then of course my Loverly Jesy. Just...I have to stick around for them because if I was gone...I don't know what the fuck they'd do.

But I'm too pissed to even put into words how ANGRY I am. I'm so full of Hatered right now. I hate Erik Cole and I hope he dies. And he wants to kill me. Let him try. I'll sew his ass before he can say a word. I don't fucking care if he kills me anyway. I'll do it for him. Jesus Christ. I can't do anything right. Goodnight.

Current Mood:	pissed off
Current Music:	Ride The Wings of Pestilance ~From first to last(my angry so

Yes, here comes another bitching entry....So prepare yourself for some whiney ass little emo bitch.

This is so fucking stupid...You give and give and give and give and give....GIVE.... And everybody takes. Takes and takes and takes. And I keep giving. It's who I am. But I'll tell you something....I Have NOTHING left to give. I've given my heart, my soul, my body, my mind. I've given everything I can give. Except my life, which I'd gladly give anyone who wants it.

See, I'm a giver. It's just me. But I'm empty. I'm a shell. I have nothing.....That's all I can say is I have nothing. All that I have is this fake personality that I've made up to keep everybody thinking I'm happy. I have this fake smile pasted on my face, but the paste is starting to get old, and my smile's starting to fall. I have the shell of a heart, but no heart in it.

You see me, or talk to me, and I have to keep up this good personality. For everybody else, I have to tell everybody I'm great. Nothing is really going wrong. Only a few people see how much hurt I try to hold inside. Those few people, I owe my life to them. Because with out them, I definately would not be alive. You know what's sad? Most of those people, I haven't even met yet.

I feel like, when I'm at school, I'm sitting around people who I love and care about, and they say the love and care about me. But I sometimes feel that their words are just as empty as my whole self is. It feels like, they just act like they care about me because they don't want me to do something to hurt myself. They're doing this for me, but I hate pretending.

I hate lying, faking, pretending...I hate everything I am. That's all my life consists of. All the "I'm doing greats" and the "I've had an awesome days" and the "No, nothing's bothering me, I'm fines" ... Those are all lies. I'm one big empty lie.

I don't know what to say....

Current Mood:	Hollow...
Current Music:	Nothing Gets Crossed Out~ Bright Eyes

I've been neglecting making a real entry lately. I'm just not ready to face the feelings I've been running from. But it's really hard to run from your feelings. I mean, they'll always follow you. There's no escape. I think that's why I hate feelings. Because it's like...

I...I hate feeling trapped. And if you can't get away from something...It basically means you're trapped, you're stuck. There's no way out of it. That's how I feel about life. As Kill Hannah puts it, "Only the Strong survive." ...

Well, there goes my chances....I gotta go. I was going to write more but I'm just so confused.

Current Mood:	confused
Current Music:	Kill Hannah~ Unwanted

:(
& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Current Mood:	creative
Current Music:	Duality~ Slipknot

A lot of you aren't going to want to read this, but it's my livejournal and I can do what I want. *Hmph*

There's that knot in my stomach. You know the one when you're really anxious for something, and it's just not coming fast enough, yet, you don't know if you want it to come? Yeah, my stomach is killing me. I can't sleep. I toss and turn from midnight, to four thirty in the morning. Finally I get up and take half of my pill for insomnia. I know that if I take the whole pill, when he comes in the morning, I'll still be groggy and no fun. But after taking the pill, sleep still doesn't come. No, it won't come. I'm still tossing and turning. Listening to the same songs over and over. I sigh and stare at my ceiling. A cigarette would be good right now, but I smoked all of them with Gabi the past couple days. So I sit and stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours.

Then there's a beeping noise. I open my eyes. I didn't even realize that I fell asleep. I hit the off button on my alarm and go back to sleep, forgetting about my visitor. I wake up an hour and a half later and curse to myself. It's nine twenty am. He's going to be here at ten. I run and tell my parents that he's coming and they get kind of angry because they were planning to go out. But my dad stays behind while my mom goes out because they don't trust me home alone with a boy. I don't understand why. I am fully capable of defending myself, I've done it before, I can do it again.

I brush my teeth and my hair and go and lay back down with the phone in case I get a phone call. I fall asleep until I hear my dad yelling my name loudly. I jump out of bed and run to the door. I ask him what he wants, then I hear a knocking on the door. The butterflies start flying around in my stomach again. I take a deep breath and open the door. There he is. For the first time in person. I smile at him and ask him to come in. He does, and gets attacked by my vicious little gaurd dog...Yeah right, my puppy Prince goes up and starts licking him. What if he were a predator? My dog is useless.

Back to the story, he asks if there's an easier way to get to my house because his mother and him had a very hard time finding it. My dad tells him that there isn't. So, he has to walk back down to his vehical and tell his mom that there isn't. She drives away and he walks back up the long driveway. I feel bad, because it's pretty impossible to get up our driveway. He comes in again and takes off his shoes. He sits in the chair and yet again gets attacked by my dog. Him and my dad talk for awhile. Then he looks at me and asks if I want to go watch the movies he brought over. I nod, smiling. He didn't want to watch movies. I know that. We planned this.

We go into my room and I put in Haggard as he looks around my walls. He kind of laughs as he sees my Christina Agularia poster. I just smile and tell him that I think she's the hottest girl I've probably ever seen. He nods and continues looking around. I start the movie and he lays down on my bed. I take a drink from my water, hoping to calm my nerves, and I lay down next to him, but not so we're touching. I'm still nervous being around guys by myself from past experiences. But as the movie goes on, we talk a little bit, and I get a little more comfortable around him.

The night before, we had a conversation about how I was in love with Gabrielle. But she can go off and do things with other guys while I sit here and dwell in my jealousy. He offered to pay me some attention while she was gone. It was a little more detailed, but I really don't feel like getting into it. But he told me he would do anything with me basically. I told him that I was nervous. I mean, I'm still a virgin and I haven't done much with a guy, only with Gabi. He said that was better, because then he could teach me, and show me that male/female interaction like that could be fun too. I told him I wasn't ready to have sex, he accepted that, which made me like him all the more. So, I agreed that he could come to my house to "watch movies" with me.

I told him how shy and self concious I was that night too. He told me I had no reason to be self concious because he thought I was fucking sexy, and a really cool person, which is why he agreed to do this. But I think part of the reason also is because of the fact that I am a virgin. He told me he loves virgins, we're so "innocent and untouched." And he told me he would help me get over being shy. I told him good luck with that one...And, he had some good luck with it. A little bit of it anyway.

After sitting and watching Haggard for maybe, fifteen, twenty minutes, and talking, he asks "So are you still shy?" I blushed and slowly nodded, biting my lower lip cause that's what I do when I'm nervous, then I began biting my nail, another thing I do when I'm nervous. He leaned over and put an arm around me, his face above mine. He says "Well, I'll try to help you with that." He leans down and kisses me. It takes me a minute to react because I'm shocked, even though I knew that was what is coming. When I finally react, I put my arm up on his shoulder, slowly moving it to his back, and my other hand is up behind his neck, running my fingers through his hair. He leans away from me, smiling a bit. "That's how you do it. Are you still shy?" I nodded.

But then I added, "Not as shy. But still...My shyness is not that easy to cure." He leaned down again, kissing me and pulling me closer to him. I felt so, odd. I wasn't use to being this close with a guy, it had been a long time. I'm so use to Gabi. She popped into my mind as he started feeling up my shirt. I sighed into his mouth, which he took as a sign I was enjoying what he was doing. Which I definately was. But when he pulled away he looked at me. I stared into his eyes as he stared back, looking like he was contemplating something in his head.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked me. I gave him an odd look. "You look really deep in thought, I'm wondering what you're thinking." I shrugged.

"I don't know." He laughed. And I blushed.

"You don't know what you're thinking?" He asked still laughing a little. I pouted, that made him stop. Then a baffled look came onto my face.

"I mean...I'm just...Confused." He looked at me questioningly. "Just, I feel guilty for doing this because of Gabi. And, it just seems odd with someone else other than her, not odd in a bad way, but still, odd. I feel bad."

"Well, isn't Gabi out with other guys?" I nodded. "Well isn't that the deal then? She gets other people, you get other people." He told me.

"No, the deal is she gets other people while I sit here and wait until she calls for me to satisfy the lust that she doesn't get from other people."

"This is okay then. If she can do it, you can do it. It's only fair." I nodded. He was right. I forgot about her as his mouth made its' way back to mine, then slowly made its way down my chin, neck, and to my chest. He sighed as he got to it, sighed in a good way, moving my shirt out of his way. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. He was better at this than Gabi was. Jesus, I'm comparing him to Gabi again. There's a big difference between them...He has a dick, she doesn't. He took my hand and brought it down to his pants. I got nervous again, because I'd never seen an erect one, let alone touched one before. But he guided me, and it wasn't so bad, but my hand was shaking, my whole body was shaking. He kissed me again to calm me down. He's the only person besides Gabi whos kisses have been able to calm me down.

Then, the phone rings. He rolls over as we both sigh. I reach for the phone, answering it a little out of breath. It was my mom...How akward. But she'd pay me for that phonecall, and the four other calls she gave me while he was there. She bought me smokes. I love her.

Him and I lay down for a bit, paying some attention to the movie. But soon he moves back over to me. Laying on me completely. Things go on from there, and it doesn't feel so odd anymore. I'm the one pulling him closer to me this time, clawing slightly at his back as he does what he does to me. He breaths in deeply and starts moving on me. The feeling I get is nothing new to me considering, I've done this many times with Gabi. He leans down and whispers "That's only a preview of what the real thing feels like, the real thing is much better." I kind of smile. Knowing it's probably going to be him who's going to get me to finally lose my virginity to him. It's wierd considering I've had guys trying for years, and he only talked to me about it twice, and yet, I'm already considering it.

After a few more hours of fooling around and getting interrupted many times by the Goddamned phone, his mom calls, saying he has to meet her at the end of my driveway at three o clock. He gets off the phone and we lay and cuddle for awhile, even though I know he wants more, he's not going to try anything until he feels I want to do something again. I hear my mom coming home with the jeep. I tell him that she's here before grabbing behind his neck. I pull him to me this time. I think that suprised him, in a good way. He kisses me back harder, pulling me closer and running his hands all over my body. I kiss down his face to his neck, sucking on it for awhile, and then kissing him again. Then we hear the door open, we both sigh as I pull away and go open my bedroom door.

I bring in the cigarettes my mom bought me and we both smoke, talking about music and stuff. He introduced me to the Misfits, granted I heard OF them before, I just had never heard any of their music. I gave him some blank c.d.s and he told me he'd burn me some. Then we talked about tattoos for awhile. He plans on getting both his arms done. He explained them to me, and I thought that they sounded magnifacent. He already has three tattoos. He looks at the clock and sees it's five till three. He stands up, putting his hat on. I'm kind of sad that he's leaving because then I'm going to be lonely again. Before he walks out the door he kisses me again. I smile slightly up at him as he walks out of my door.

I walk out awhile later, I guess I have a smile on my face cause my mom smiles at me knowingly. I just shook my head, feeling too high to notice the wierd look my dad was giving me. I grabbed my Mountain dew and sat and watched Madagascar with my parents before going back into my room. I layed down on my bed. It still smelled like him. I smiled. It was nice, laying down on my bed and smelling someone else's scent, not just Gabi's.

But now, I'm seriously confused. Because both of these people want me for pleasure, I think feelings go a tad bit deeper with Gabi, but I'm not sure. I don't know where things stand with the guy I had over. I think he just wants to teach me how to do stuff, and not be so shy. I don't know how much further it goes than that. But that's something I'll figure out some other time. I'm tired of writing now. Goodnight. 

Current Mood:	confused
Current Music:	Not like the other girls~ The Rasmus

Oh boy. Love and lust...How easily those two are mixed up. I don't want to choose one over the other. I can't do it. She stayed for the first time in awhile, last night.

There was definately a lot of lust there. A lot of great lust. Holding her hands above her head so she couldn't touch me as I had my way from her. That was wonderful. I let go of her hands but I told her she couldn't move them. She didn't but she tried a few times. It was torture for her. She told me so. I loved it.  And then, when I was done, she did the same to me. I loved the feel of her, I loved seeing her there in nothing but her skin. How fantastic....Definately lust.

But if it were just lust I wouldn't be getting jealous of all these other girls. I wouldn't be feeling this empty when she left. I wouldn't feel so hurt when she didn't tell me she loved me. I wouldn't feel....Like this. Would I? Maybe it's just because I'm selfish and want her all to myself. I want her wrapped around my finger, how I'm wrapped around hers.

Sometimes I think she is. Other times I know she's not. I do everything I can for her. I love that girl. I do. It's a mixture between love and lust. Because without lust there cannot be any love. That's just the plain and simple truth. She walked away today and took my heart with her. She still has me. She still has me.

Jordan was right...Make up sex is the best.

Current Mood:	grumpy
Current Music:	Circle~Slipknot

Learning what I did about Gabi today, and the argument we had...That couldn't make me cry.

But I am near tears now knowing that I can't help her. I can't help the one person who helps me through everything. I just...Don't know what to say. I want to help her so bad, but I....Can't... I don't know what to say I don't know how to act. I'm not myself today. I don't even know. Jesus I'm so fucked.

I hate my life sometimes. Seems all I've been doing lately is bringing people down, and breaking people's hearts. I'm sick of this. I wish I could just die so I would stop bringing people so much pain. I want to help, but my help seems more like I'm being a nucience...I spelled that wrong and I don't care.

I actually have to go to school tomorrow I'm not looking forward to it. I'll do my damndest to tolerate it because I have no choice. If I don't go to school I don't have a life. My parents will confine me to my house and I'll be able to do NOTHING. And I won't be able to get my lip pierced.

Not even Josh's song is cheering me up right now. I wish that I could meet Sarah and Josh, they cheer me up so much. But I'm at my lowest low right now and I can't fucking handle it. So badly I want to pick up that razor and slit my wrists open, but I'd be losing on my end of the deal with my parentals. I'm going to go now though cause I feel shitty. Goodnight

Current Mood:	depressed
Current Music:	The Happy Happy Love Song ~ By my rad friend Josh

Let me give you a list of all the things I am right now.

Selfish

Inconsiderate

Guilty

Ashamed

And much more, but those things are what I feel right now.

Sarah's right about this. I should just forget her or something. She's so bad for me. She has me fucked in the head. I hate love. I can't even put thoughts together in my head that make sense. I'm gonna go now.

Current Mood:	gloomy
Current Music:	Mindless Self Indulgence ~ Bitches