I failed you again, cause I let you stay. I use to pretend that I felt okay.

I don't know.

2006-01-17T01:27:37Z

FUCK IT

I love my Jesy

2005-12-14T01:45:43Z

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I wrote a journal entry last night, and if I get up enough energy to actually type it I think it's something you would probably like to read.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

I WOULD

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

claire says "she thinks you're pretty with the lollipop, and i hope you have fun kinky girly sex"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

or something to that effect

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Wait...Claire thinks I'm pretty and that whole bit?

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

I guess so.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Oh, well thank you Claire

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

haha

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

she's crazy

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

YOU should type it out?

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

i meant to capitalize SHOULD

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

not you

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Haha I should....But I'm lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

*pouts*

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

what was it about?

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

A lot of shit. I'll write it...I just gotta go get my notebook

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

*Sigh*

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

yay

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

i looooovee you

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

hehe i'll get it in a minute

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

yayyyy

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

*sigh* my mood's been weird today

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

but, once i started talking to you, i felt better

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

SEE THE EFFECT YOU HAVE ON ME.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

geez.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Hehe I love you

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

iloooveyoutoo

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

whatcha doing?

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I'm kind of typing the thing up, talking to five million people, trying to update myspace, and david from downstate is kind of molesting me through the computer. haha

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

haha

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

type it

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

and send me piece by piece

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Okay I'll send it to you as I'm typing it then I'll just go back and copy and paste it to a journal

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

This is so rediculous. I'm up tossing and turning all night. I can't sleep. I couldn't if my life depended on it. Thoughts of her use to keep me up. But I have no feelings for her but lust anymore. I take taht back. I have a bit of hatered towards her too...

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I know I shouldn't hate her because it's not her fault. I'm just trying to pin the blame on someone besides me this time. And who better to blame then the queen of heartbreakers?

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I'm trying to blame her for my heart breaking tendancies. I get people to like me, sometimes fall in love with me, and make them think I feel the same way when I don't.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

The thing is, I warn people when I first start talking to my "victim" I always say "Here's your chance to back out. Stay as far away from me as you can because sooner or later I WILL hurt you. If I want to or not I will hurt you." *Sigh* They never heed my warnings.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

But if my feelings are true, I don't say that. So, if I've ever told you I had the same feelings for you that you had for me, and didn't give you warning...I never meant to hurt you.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Sometimes I just pick certain people because I'm lonely and I need to feel some sort of love for a bit.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I don't exactly think I'm a fake anymore. Rather... A girl too confused to know exactly what I want.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

If I could have it my way, Sarah, Jesy, Josh, or Virginia would live in....Touching distance. And I would be with one of them. Because I must say those are the people I have the strongest feelings for.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I mean, I like David, I really do, it just kind of frightens me how quickly he got attached to me. After two days he was telling me he loved me.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I really wish Jesy lived in P-town. I would so want a relationship with her. It kind of stung the other night when she told me it felt like I was just using her as a rebaound. Maybe, at the time, I was. But I look back and realize she makes me laugh more than Gabi ever did and with her I'm almost ALWAYS smiling.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

But like I said, I'm just a girl too confused to know what I want. So I'll keep all my friendships exactly that...Friendships.

I love you all.

Goodnight.

Victoria Rose Bley.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

yeah. so, i'm most definently tearing up kindofbadly.

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Aww don't cry!! *Wipes eyes*

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

*smiles*

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

I wuvvvv you

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

i wanted to say something to you the other night, but i never got to it

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

but, i didn't mean to hurt you when i said that i thought you were using me as rebound, b/c it seemed like it was the best way to explain why i felt like i didn't have a chance with a girl i really liked. But, you're incredibly amazing tori, and i wouldn't change our relationship for anything.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

i would do anything to move to petoskey, or make you move here.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

maybe i just won't let you go home when you come.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

Or we could come back to petoskey because you hate it in t.c.?

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 I'll touch it if you ask me to, but how is up to you says:

do you think people would like me there?

Onto a stage I was put with my sorrow well rehearsed, so give me all your pity and your money now. says:

OF COURSE! And if they didn't I would kick them and tell them to like you

ishouldaknown @ 2005-12-12T18:52:00

2005-12-12T23:54:04Z

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

So, during first hour

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

the conversation

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"guess what i get to do over winter break"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"what......"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"guess"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"have girly sex?"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"tori's coming and staying with me for a little while, and i get to spend new years with her"

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

*silence*

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 Slit wrists? tough shit. says:

"so... have kinky girly sex, then"

HAHAHA THEY KNOW ME SO WELL

I'd Rather Die Young Than Get Old

2005-12-12T22:20:30Z

So, are you ready to see how badly I suck at life? Okay, here goes....

Grades- By Catagory Report
Petoskey High School
December 7, 2005

Agricultural Animal Science 85.31% B
Becky Scholl

Algebra 1 21.82% E
Linda Kelbel

Band 100.00% A
Barry Bennett

Debate 00.00% E
Lisa Nelson

English 10 25.00% E
Lynne Lesky

U.S. History 44.90% E
Jodiene Anderson

Look at how badly I suck at life....I mean Jesus Christ. I'm not going to be able to have any free time next year because I'm going to not only have to take a Zero Hour, but a Seventh hour too......So that's Eight hours right there.....Which means I have to get driver's training in and get a car...Which means I need to get a job.....So I can be at school at seven o clock in the morning. Because I seriously don't want to have to spend another whole year of my life in that school. Really, who wants that? I mean, when I'm a junior, most of my friends are going to be graduating anyway. Hell, a good fourth of them are graduating this year. I'm just one unhappy camper right now. I want to quit everything. I want to quit school, quit band, quit life. Yes, I want to quit life. I'd rather die young then get old ~ Kill Hannah. But maybe if I hadn't missed six weeks of school cause I was in the fucking hospital when I didn't need to be I would be passing my classes. Just a thought.

Here's another thing that's bugging me... Everybody wants me to change for them. I have to stop being so bad, or I have to act this way. Or they ask me to do something totally out of character for me. And if it were a few months ago, or maybe even a few weeks ago...I would have done it, no questions asked.

I'm not that person anymore... My friend wants me to stop doing a lot of the shit I do, drinking, smoking, etc. I told them, no. I'm the bad girl. I like doing bad things. That's who I am, it's who I've always been, but it's just gotten to a higher level this year. And I'm not going to stop doing something that makes me feel better about my shit life. I just won't. I refuse. And people want me to do or say things that I don't want to say. So I won't do it. I mean, I think I shocked Gabi pretty badly when I told her no today, for the first time ever. But I felt proud.

Here's a list of some of the things I think describe me:
Harsly blunt
Friendly
Overprotective of those I care about
Compassionate
A bitch to those I can't stand.
Unlike other people I won't go behind your back because if I don't like you...I'll say it to your face.
Sarcastic
A mystery. People think they know me...But I hide myself.

So I basically just contradicted myself with the last statement there... I hide myself...But I don't want to change myself for other people... I'm so confusing. I don't get it. So, the person I am around other people isn't me? I've learned I kind of change myself for everybody but I don't mean to....UGH! I'm confusing myself so badly.

Here's the thing...

I don't give a shit about what other people think of me....

But...I find myself acting differently around certain people than I would around different people. Why do I do that? I don't understand. Because I mean, I always feel like I'm putting on a show. I have to at least pretend to be somewhat happy so people won't see my pain because...Showing pain is a weakness and I don't want to come off as weak. Although I know I am.... God Dammit. I don't want to sit here contemplating on my computer screen why I do things. It's rediculous. I don't even know if there is a reason that I do everything that I do. There has to be right?

Does everything have to have a reason?

Note: I did not write this.

2005-12-11T22:01:03Z

MoreHornsThanSatan

"What Goes Around...Comes Around..."

I scream like a wounded teddy bear,
And smile on the outside like I don’t have a care.
But a wounded teddy bear cannot scream,
Teddy bears could only smile in a child’s dream.

My eyes stare blankly just like a doll’s,
And tears flow out like waterfalls.
As I shake myself from her hypnotic stare,
I’ve come to realize that this isn’t a nightmare.

I observe the aftermath in her room,
And wait for my impending doom.
My spine stiffens and I prepare,
To encounter the entity who breathes the same air.

I get down on my knees and say a prayer,
Stand up again to search for her slayer.
I search the house high and low,
But the entity refuses to show.

No man could have done what it did to her,
Now her face is a vivid blur.
Knife in hand and revenge in mind,
This mystery will soon unwind.

I feel a blade pierce through my shirt,
My mind tells me that it should hurt.
My face turns a pasty white,
And now I know that things aren’t right.

I knew this day would finally arrive,
I can’t believe how long I stayed alive.
I watched her die and now I see,
Her tormented soul has returned for me.

On my back across the floor,
A supernatural force shuts the door.
Her corpse crawls off the bed,
And sits beside my aching head.

I should have confessed for what I did on that unfaithful day,
My turn to be tortured and that’s how I’ll pay.
I’ve relived the moment so many times,
Now I’m being punished for all my crimes.

She then looks at me with her black eyes,
I know no one will hear my screams and cries.
She digs her nails into my chest,
And then she...

I scream like a wounded teddy bear...
And smile on the outside like I don’t have a care...

I found this on Vampirefreaks.com I did not write this. But I loved it, so I wanted to put it in my journal for all to read.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-12-08T21:04:00

2005-12-09T02:17:05Z

I'm about ready to go slit my fucking wrists. I just...DON'T care anymore. I'm so sick of fucking everything and I hate this motherfucking town and I hate everybody in it...Spare a limited few. Seriously, I could go take a bunch of pills and slit my wrists and die for all I care. But I have to stay here for people who I haven't even fucking met! And then of course my Loverly Jesy. Just...I have to stick around for them because if I was gone...I don't know what the fuck they'd do.

But I'm too pissed to even put into words how ANGRY I am. I'm so full of Hatered right now. I hate Erik Cole and I hope he dies. And he wants to kill me. Let him try. I'll sew his ass before he can say a word. I don't fucking care if he kills me anyway. I'll do it for him. Jesus Christ. I can't do anything right. Goodnight.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-12-06T20:19:00

2005-12-07T01:41:16Z

Yes, here comes another bitching entry....So prepare yourself for some whiney ass little emo bitch.

This is so fucking stupid...You give and give and give and give and give....GIVE.... And everybody takes. Takes and takes and takes. And I keep giving. It's who I am. But I'll tell you something....I Have NOTHING left to give. I've given my heart, my soul, my body, my mind. I've given everything I can give. Except my life, which I'd gladly give anyone who wants it.

See, I'm a giver. It's just me. But I'm empty. I'm a shell. I have nothing.....That's all I can say is I have nothing. All that I have is this fake personality that I've made up to keep everybody thinking I'm happy. I have this fake smile pasted on my face, but the paste is starting to get old, and my smile's starting to fall. I have the shell of a heart, but no heart in it.

You see me, or talk to me, and I have to keep up this good personality. For everybody else, I have to tell everybody I'm great. Nothing is really going wrong. Only a few people see how much hurt I try to hold inside. Those few people, I owe my life to them. Because with out them, I definately would not be alive. You know what's sad? Most of those people, I haven't even met yet.

I feel like, when I'm at school, I'm sitting around people who I love and care about, and they say the love and care about me. But I sometimes feel that their words are just as empty as my whole self is. It feels like, they just act like they care about me because they don't want me to do something to hurt myself. They're doing this for me, but I hate pretending.

I hate lying, faking, pretending...I hate everything I am. That's all my life consists of. All the "I'm doing greats" and the "I've had an awesome days" and the "No, nothing's bothering me, I'm fines" ... Those are all lies. I'm one big empty lie.

I don't know what to say....

ishouldaknown @ 2005-12-05T15:54:00

2005-12-05T20:55:15Z

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

that made me smile

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Good! That was the point. To send you some love and to get you tos mile

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

it helped.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

but, you always make me smile

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Are you okay love?

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

so, HA

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

haha

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

Not really.

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

What's wrong?

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

Idk how to explain it. I've felt kinda shitty for the past week or so, and i've pushed it into the back of my mind. It's this horrible feeling i used to get over the summer, and now it seems to be back, and it's lasting too long. And to make it better, i've been having worsening panic attacks all day, and I'm sick physically too.

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Aww sweetheart, let me go get my coat on and I'll start walking to t.c. righ tnow!

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

aw. I'd meet you half way

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Hehe

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

Dave and i came up with e-closets a long time ago.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

transportation by closet.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

i thought that'd be pretty fucking amazing.

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Dude that's awesome....I love it.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

Imagine: in the middle of the night, all snuggled up in your bed, and all of a sudden someone from like, forever away tackles you awake.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

haha

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

HAHAHAHA I WOULD LOVE IT

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

You josh and sarah would have to come over and we could have an orgy

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

well OF COURSE. you're tori

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

haha

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

hehe

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

that'd be amazing

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

be like

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

COME OVER

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

and like

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

a minute later, we're all there.

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Hahaha and then I'd be like

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

"ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST AMAZING SEX OF YOUR LIFE?!?!?"

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

And you'd all shout "HELL YEAH!" And attack me

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

We'd have to plan the simotaneous "HELL YEAh!" before hand

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

Of course.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

see. e-closets should be the new invention

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

This is SO going in my livejournal

All I know is You're cute when you scream You know that you are worthless And I am better than the games that you play princess. says:

And I'm going to write that into my new quiz on quizilla cause it's a random quiz.

Jesy jesy Jesy <3 says:

I'm SO going to read it.

Pictures :)

2005-12-05T01:11:56Z

Hehe Sarahhhh I LOVE YOU!! :D

So true, so true. Haha.

Me and my bestest Guy friend, AK. :D

Me A.K.A Lesbo Barbie, and my bestest Girlie friend in Petoskey, Amanda, A.K.A Trailor Trash Barbie.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-12-04T20:01:00

2005-12-05T01:05:02Z

Bleh, this sucks. I have the flu like mad. I can't stop throwing up. And I can only be awake for like, two hours at a time and then I sleep and have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat. Today I woke up at twelve, went out with my dad until like, one thirty, came home and instantly fell asleep, almost before my head hit the bed. I woke up at four thirty and I've done a good job of staying up until now, which it's eight o clock. I'm falling asleep at the computer though so I think I'm going to go back to bed. There's no way I'm going to school tomorrow. I'll probably get detention for falling asleep in all my effin' classes. Well, goodnight everybody, and try not to catch this bug that's going around. It's ended some people in the hospital.

Car Talks With Al Are The Best.

2005-12-01T21:21:46Z

So, I have a good friend, Al, he's awesome. I talk with him about more stuff than anybody. He drives me home and we talk about stuff and he just helps me sort my head out. It's amazing. He tells me shit straight up. I mean if I'm being stupid or something he'll be like "Shut the fuck up Tori, you've got it all wrong and you're stupid." He's harshly blunt and I love it. A lot of other people just tell me what I want to hear but he actually...I don't know. Anyway here's a car conversation we had earlier if you care to read. It just helped me out a lot. I explained the whole guy and Gabi situation and this is the continuation of our morning conversation.

I sighed, "I just want to lose my virginity and see what the big deal is." I said, sinking down in my seat as the van swerved a bit, freaking me out. He was silent for a minute.

"Wait until you really care about someone." He told me. "It's just, so much more fuffilling if there's an emotional bond."

"Why should I wait? I don't see what the big deal is."

"It's not," he said almost instantly. "But, you'll regret it if you don't do it with somebody you truly, honesty, care about. I know, the first two people I had sex with I...Didn't enjoy it, well I did, but there just wasn't that connection. And with Autumn, it's just, the best." He was silent for awhile and I didn't say anything. He continued on. "If you love somebody, when you're together like that, you'll feel the love, the emotional connection, you'll just feel it."

I was silent again before sighing. "I don't think I ever loved Gabi." I finally said, knowing that I didn't feel an emotional connection when we did anything. Al sighed.

"I think you did. I mean, you went to a hospital for her for fuck's sake." He had me there....Then I thought about it some more.

"Okay, I don't think she ever loved me." He stuttered for a minute. But then was quiet before going on.

"I think what Gabi did to you was really shitty. I mean, she's a junior and she's almost never at school, she doesn't have to hear about it. You have three more years, including this year...You're going to be known as the lesbian until you graduate. She doesn't have that much time left here, so she doesn't have to deal with anything." I nodded.

"Oh well." I said kind of sadly.

We would have talked more, and there's a lot that I left out, for that is not important, but he was at my house. He told me if I needed anything I could call him.

It just feels good, knowing that there's a guy that I can talk to about this kind of stuff and he just sets me straight. But I've been avoiding going to school, causing me to have a lot of homework, so I will write later.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-30T20:30:00

2005-12-01T01:51:33Z

I've been neglecting making a real entry lately. I'm just not ready to face the feelings I've been running from. But it's really hard to run from your feelings. I mean, they'll always follow you. There's no escape. I think that's why I hate feelings. Because it's like...

I...I hate feeling trapped. And if you can't get away from something...It basically means you're trapped, you're stuck. There's no way out of it. That's how I feel about life. As Kill Hannah puts it, "Only the Strong survive." ...

Well, there goes my chances....I gotta go. I was going to write more but I'm just so confused.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-30T11:50:00

2005-11-30T17:18:53Z

How to make a Loserwithahealingheart

Ingredients:

5 parts pride

1 part arrogance

5 parts empathy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

That's how you make my Quizilla me.

How to make a Ishouldaknown

Ingredients:

1 part intelligence

3 parts humour

5 parts instinct

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little sadness if desired!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com
And that's how you make a livejournal me. Raddd.

Good Charlotte And You by Saint Aura
Benji thinks:	You play guitar better than he does.
Joel thinks:	You're a bitch.
Paul thinks:	You hate him.
Chris thinks:	You're sexy.
Billy thinks:	You're a lesbian.
You shagged:	Joel.
Your favourite song is:	Little Things.
Your name:

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Which Good Charlotte member will you hook up with? by HPglitterchic
Username/Name
Age
Who?	Benji Madden
When?	May 18, 2011
Where?	in a mosh pit

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Rad again.

Haha I would so do that.

I hate Boys

2005-11-28T01:13:15Z

I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. 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I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys.

I think you get the point...But in case you don't...
I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys. I Hate Boys.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-26T15:16:00

2005-11-26T20:17:12Z

You inside is vengeful.The pain that you have felt
is causing your inside to go besark and
inflicting everyone around you.You hate people
who take your kindness for granted or take
kindness for granted you think that they should
pay and you think that you should be the one to
do them over.

What does your concious look like?(GREAT PICS BOYS AND GIRLS)
brought to you by Quizilla

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-25T23:42:00

2005-11-26T04:45:18Z

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Darling i swear i dislike Gabi

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Why?

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

I duno i just dont. She's put you thru so much pain and is willing to do it again without a second thought so long as she fills herself with you. Your like her pill she keeps coming back to, abusing like a drug, then leaving til she needs her fix again.

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Heh...A lot of people like that...It's like...Once people have had a taste of me, they can't get enough. I mean, I should like that, but...Sometimes it just hurts.

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Of course if hurts hun.

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

See, I wish that I could do the same thing with these people. Like, I didn't have feelings for them, I could just let them use me and have me get pleasure out of it, instead of getting feelings that make me attached too. Because I'd be the perfect person for that considering everyone who's done stuff with me...Said they've never had better...Which is amazing considering I have no clue what I'm

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Doing. I just go with what I feel is right to do.

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Thats because its you hun. You care about humans.

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Why should I care about humans when most humans don't care about me? I'm just a toy that brings them lots of fun and pleasure.

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

But you can't stop caring about your friends can you, no matter if they have hurt you.

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

They could paint your only light black and you'd let them come back. I hate seeing you hurt darling i truly do, buti admire the fact that you can still care so deeply about someone who has hurt you or is hurting you so badly.

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Well, what else am I suppose to use this big useless heart for? Heh.

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

:(
& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Keep it sewn up til you find someone who truly loves you back then let it all out

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Im glad you've found this guy hun, release all that sexual tension

This is so fucking stupid. I think I might hate lust more than I hate love. says:

Haha...Yeah...But, what if I get feelings for him too?

& Love Is Gonna Break You Up. Everybody Knows Your Lost. In The Night Time Honey. Lost Boys. says:

Lust can develop into love. Dont worry about it unless it happens. You'll always share some special bond with him if you give yourself over to him completely cuz it means you trust him with your body.

I love you Sarah, Sarak, and Saraj all three of you. My New Zealand whore who's smile is most contagious!

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-25T22:06:00

2005-11-26T04:17:08Z

A lot of you aren't going to want to read this, but it's my livejournal and I can do what I want. *Hmph*

There's that knot in my stomach. You know the one when you're really anxious for something, and it's just not coming fast enough, yet, you don't know if you want it to come? Yeah, my stomach is killing me. I can't sleep. I toss and turn from midnight, to four thirty in the morning. Finally I get up and take half of my pill for insomnia. I know that if I take the whole pill, when he comes in the morning, I'll still be groggy and no fun. But after taking the pill, sleep still doesn't come. No, it won't come. I'm still tossing and turning. Listening to the same songs over and over. I sigh and stare at my ceiling. A cigarette would be good right now, but I smoked all of them with Gabi the past couple days. So I sit and stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours.

Then there's a beeping noise. I open my eyes. I didn't even realize that I fell asleep. I hit the off button on my alarm and go back to sleep, forgetting about my visitor. I wake up an hour and a half later and curse to myself. It's nine twenty am. He's going to be here at ten. I run and tell my parents that he's coming and they get kind of angry because they were planning to go out. But my dad stays behind while my mom goes out because they don't trust me home alone with a boy. I don't understand why. I am fully capable of defending myself, I've done it before, I can do it again.

I brush my teeth and my hair and go and lay back down with the phone in case I get a phone call. I fall asleep until I hear my dad yelling my name loudly. I jump out of bed and run to the door. I ask him what he wants, then I hear a knocking on the door. The butterflies start flying around in my stomach again. I take a deep breath and open the door. There he is. For the first time in person. I smile at him and ask him to come in. He does, and gets attacked by my vicious little gaurd dog...Yeah right, my puppy Prince goes up and starts licking him. What if he were a predator? My dog is useless.

Back to the story, he asks if there's an easier way to get to my house because his mother and him had a very hard time finding it. My dad tells him that there isn't. So, he has to walk back down to his vehical and tell his mom that there isn't. She drives away and he walks back up the long driveway. I feel bad, because it's pretty impossible to get up our driveway. He comes in again and takes off his shoes. He sits in the chair and yet again gets attacked by my dog. Him and my dad talk for awhile. Then he looks at me and asks if I want to go watch the movies he brought over. I nod, smiling. He didn't want to watch movies. I know that. We planned this.

We go into my room and I put in Haggard as he looks around my walls. He kind of laughs as he sees my Christina Agularia poster. I just smile and tell him that I think she's the hottest girl I've probably ever seen. He nods and continues looking around. I start the movie and he lays down on my bed. I take a drink from my water, hoping to calm my nerves, and I lay down next to him, but not so we're touching. I'm still nervous being around guys by myself from past experiences. But as the movie goes on, we talk a little bit, and I get a little more comfortable around him.

The night before, we had a conversation about how I was in love with Gabrielle. But she can go off and do things with other guys while I sit here and dwell in my jealousy. He offered to pay me some attention while she was gone. It was a little more detailed, but I really don't feel like getting into it. But he told me he would do anything with me basically. I told him that I was nervous. I mean, I'm still a virgin and I haven't done much with a guy, only with Gabi. He said that was better, because then he could teach me, and show me that male/female interaction like that could be fun too. I told him I wasn't ready to have sex, he accepted that, which made me like him all the more. So, I agreed that he could come to my house to "watch movies" with me.

I told him how shy and self concious I was that night too. He told me I had no reason to be self concious because he thought I was fucking sexy, and a really cool person, which is why he agreed to do this. But I think part of the reason also is because of the fact that I am a virgin. He told me he loves virgins, we're so "innocent and untouched." And he told me he would help me get over being shy. I told him good luck with that one...And, he had some good luck with it. A little bit of it anyway.

After sitting and watching Haggard for maybe, fifteen, twenty minutes, and talking, he asks "So are you still shy?" I blushed and slowly nodded, biting my lower lip cause that's what I do when I'm nervous, then I began biting my nail, another thing I do when I'm nervous. He leaned over and put an arm around me, his face above mine. He says "Well, I'll try to help you with that." He leans down and kisses me. It takes me a minute to react because I'm shocked, even though I knew that was what is coming. When I finally react, I put my arm up on his shoulder, slowly moving it to his back, and my other hand is up behind his neck, running my fingers through his hair. He leans away from me, smiling a bit. "That's how you do it. Are you still shy?" I nodded.

But then I added, "Not as shy. But still...My shyness is not that easy to cure." He leaned down again, kissing me and pulling me closer to him. I felt so, odd. I wasn't use to being this close with a guy, it had been a long time. I'm so use to Gabi. She popped into my mind as he started feeling up my shirt. I sighed into his mouth, which he took as a sign I was enjoying what he was doing. Which I definately was. But when he pulled away he looked at me. I stared into his eyes as he stared back, looking like he was contemplating something in his head.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked me. I gave him an odd look. "You look really deep in thought, I'm wondering what you're thinking." I shrugged.

"I don't know." He laughed. And I blushed.

"You don't know what you're thinking?" He asked still laughing a little. I pouted, that made him stop. Then a baffled look came onto my face.

"I mean...I'm just...Confused." He looked at me questioningly. "Just, I feel guilty for doing this because of Gabi. And, it just seems odd with someone else other than her, not odd in a bad way, but still, odd. I feel bad."

"Well, isn't Gabi out with other guys?" I nodded. "Well isn't that the deal then? She gets other people, you get other people." He told me.

"No, the deal is she gets other people while I sit here and wait until she calls for me to satisfy the lust that she doesn't get from other people."

"This is okay then. If she can do it, you can do it. It's only fair." I nodded. He was right. I forgot about her as his mouth made its' way back to mine, then slowly made its way down my chin, neck, and to my chest. He sighed as he got to it, sighed in a good way, moving my shirt out of his way. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. He was better at this than Gabi was. Jesus, I'm comparing him to Gabi again. There's a big difference between them...He has a dick, she doesn't. He took my hand and brought it down to his pants. I got nervous again, because I'd never seen an erect one, let alone touched one before. But he guided me, and it wasn't so bad, but my hand was shaking, my whole body was shaking. He kissed me again to calm me down. He's the only person besides Gabi whos kisses have been able to calm me down.

Then, the phone rings. He rolls over as we both sigh. I reach for the phone, answering it a little out of breath. It was my mom...How akward. But she'd pay me for that phonecall, and the four other calls she gave me while he was there. She bought me smokes. I love her.

Him and I lay down for a bit, paying some attention to the movie. But soon he moves back over to me. Laying on me completely. Things go on from there, and it doesn't feel so odd anymore. I'm the one pulling him closer to me this time, clawing slightly at his back as he does what he does to me. He breaths in deeply and starts moving on me. The feeling I get is nothing new to me considering, I've done this many times with Gabi. He leans down and whispers "That's only a preview of what the real thing feels like, the real thing is much better." I kind of smile. Knowing it's probably going to be him who's going to get me to finally lose my virginity to him. It's wierd considering I've had guys trying for years, and he only talked to me about it twice, and yet, I'm already considering it.

After a few more hours of fooling around and getting interrupted many times by the Goddamned phone, his mom calls, saying he has to meet her at the end of my driveway at three o clock. He gets off the phone and we lay and cuddle for awhile, even though I know he wants more, he's not going to try anything until he feels I want to do something again. I hear my mom coming home with the jeep. I tell him that she's here before grabbing behind his neck. I pull him to me this time. I think that suprised him, in a good way. He kisses me back harder, pulling me closer and running his hands all over my body. I kiss down his face to his neck, sucking on it for awhile, and then kissing him again. Then we hear the door open, we both sigh as I pull away and go open my bedroom door.

I bring in the cigarettes my mom bought me and we both smoke, talking about music and stuff. He introduced me to the Misfits, granted I heard OF them before, I just had never heard any of their music. I gave him some blank c.d.s and he told me he'd burn me some. Then we talked about tattoos for awhile. He plans on getting both his arms done. He explained them to me, and I thought that they sounded magnifacent. He already has three tattoos. He looks at the clock and sees it's five till three. He stands up, putting his hat on. I'm kind of sad that he's leaving because then I'm going to be lonely again. Before he walks out the door he kisses me again. I smile slightly up at him as he walks out of my door.

I walk out awhile later, I guess I have a smile on my face cause my mom smiles at me knowingly. I just shook my head, feeling too high to notice the wierd look my dad was giving me. I grabbed my Mountain dew and sat and watched Madagascar with my parents before going back into my room. I layed down on my bed. It still smelled like him. I smiled. It was nice, laying down on my bed and smelling someone else's scent, not just Gabi's.

But now, I'm seriously confused. Because both of these people want me for pleasure, I think feelings go a tad bit deeper with Gabi, but I'm not sure. I don't know where things stand with the guy I had over. I think he just wants to teach me how to do stuff, and not be so shy. I don't know how much further it goes than that. But that's something I'll figure out some other time. I'm tired of writing now. Goodnight.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-24T18:24:00

2005-11-24T23:33:03Z

Oh boy. Love and lust...How easily those two are mixed up. I don't want to choose one over the other. I can't do it. She stayed for the first time in awhile, last night.

There was definately a lot of lust there. A lot of great lust. Holding her hands above her head so she couldn't touch me as I had my way from her. That was wonderful. I let go of her hands but I told her she couldn't move them. She didn't but she tried a few times. It was torture for her. She told me so. I loved it. And then, when I was done, she did the same to me. I loved the feel of her, I loved seeing her there in nothing but her skin. How fantastic....Definately lust.

But if it were just lust I wouldn't be getting jealous of all these other girls. I wouldn't be feeling this empty when she left. I wouldn't feel so hurt when she didn't tell me she loved me. I wouldn't feel....Like this. Would I? Maybe it's just because I'm selfish and want her all to myself. I want her wrapped around my finger, how I'm wrapped around hers.

Sometimes I think she is. Other times I know she's not. I do everything I can for her. I love that girl. I do. It's a mixture between love and lust. Because without lust there cannot be any love. That's just the plain and simple truth. She walked away today and took my heart with her. She still has me. She still has me.

Jordan was right...Make up sex is the best.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-20T21:27:00

2005-11-21T02:33:22Z

Learning what I did about Gabi today, and the argument we had...That couldn't make me cry.

But I am near tears now knowing that I can't help her. I can't help the one person who helps me through everything. I just...Don't know what to say. I want to help her so bad, but I....Can't... I don't know what to say I don't know how to act. I'm not myself today. I don't even know. Jesus I'm so fucked.

I hate my life sometimes. Seems all I've been doing lately is bringing people down, and breaking people's hearts. I'm sick of this. I wish I could just die so I would stop bringing people so much pain. I want to help, but my help seems more like I'm being a nucience...I spelled that wrong and I don't care.

I actually have to go to school tomorrow I'm not looking forward to it. I'll do my damndest to tolerate it because I have no choice. If I don't go to school I don't have a life. My parents will confine me to my house and I'll be able to do NOTHING. And I won't be able to get my lip pierced.

Not even Josh's song is cheering me up right now. I wish that I could meet Sarah and Josh, they cheer me up so much. But I'm at my lowest low right now and I can't fucking handle it. So badly I want to pick up that razor and slit my wrists open, but I'd be losing on my end of the deal with my parentals. I'm going to go now though cause I feel shitty. Goodnight

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-20T20:37:00

2005-11-21T01:44:20Z

Let me give you a list of all the things I am right now.

Selfish

Inconsiderate

Guilty

Ashamed

And much more, but those things are what I feel right now.

Sarah's right about this. I should just forget her or something. She's so bad for me. She has me fucked in the head. I hate love. I can't even put thoughts together in my head that make sense. I'm gonna go now.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-16T12:01:00

2005-11-16T17:13:20Z

Thoughts are spinning through my head like mad. I'm so tired, so tired of this spinning. When will it stop? I'm so confused. So completely and utterly confused. I want to know everything. I want to know so bad. I'd break my neck to know what I want to. I'd do fucking anything.

Everything in my head is so fucked. There's no other way to put it. I realized that I see things how I want to see them, I don't see necessarely what is true. But I want to see the truth and stop trying to make my stupid dreams come true because I know as well as anyone that they never will.

It's so hard to even fake a smile anymore. I use to sleep when everything was too bad. I would escape into my dream world where nobody could get to me. But now, I even dream about reality. I can't escape anything. I know a very easy way to escape, but I'm trying not to be selfish, although some people tell me that I should be because I care too much about the well being of other people and not enough for myself.

I don't think you can care for other people too much. I live to make people happy, but I've been causing a lot of people pain lately. The more people that I cause pain, or confusion, the more pain and confusion I feel. I hate this. I want to make everybody happy. I want everyone to feel happiness. I'll do it, even if it makes me hurt, I really don't care about myself anymore, not like I ever did.

Everything I do from now on is going to be to try and make other people happy...Heh, that just means I'm going back to my old life. Everything lately has been about me and I'm not sure I like it. Everyone is worried about me and I hate it. I don't know how many people have told me I'm a "Worry." I fucking hate that I'm a worry. I'm fine.

Everyone who's called me a worry, don't worry about me because I'll be fine. I will. I'm doing my best to ignore my pain and focus on everybody else's cause if I focus on their pain, my own will disappear for awhile, if I keep myself busy, I will have no time to think about it. That's my plan, keep myself busy, and when I think about my pain, I'll just write it out in here or in my stories on quizilla or whatever. But I'm done with this entry because if I'm going to keep myself busy I'm going to start now by cleaning my room which is still covered by boxes. Take care everybody, and if you need something...

I'm here for you.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-16T11:54:00

2005-11-16T16:54:55Z

Deal with me
Don't even think about leaving yet
I'm not a part of some false regret
Even though I believe in fables
Come reset
A part of life that you'd soon forget
And maybe think about who you hurt
In the process

I don't think they know, that's my heart exposed
From the fearing of the endless lies

Trade yourself in for the perfect one
No one needs to know that you feel you've been ruined
Trade yourself in for diamond eyes
Watch the stars collide as you're lifted from your burden

You see me
And you know I am not the same
Can't pretend to just fake a smile
Cause you know I feel every ounce of
Pain combined
With the loss of a youthful mind
You need to look at what you've become
And try to figure out where you came from

I don't think they know, that's my heart exposed
From the fearing of the endless lies

Trade yourself in for the perfect one
No one needs to know that you feel you've been ruined
Trade yourself in for diamond eyes
Watch the stars collide as you're lifted from your burden

I know you can't feel a thing
It hurts to feel anymore

Trade yourself in for the perfect one
No one needs to know that you feel you've been ruined
Trade yourself in for diamond eyes
Watch the stars collide as you're lifted from your burden
Trade yourself in for the perfect one
No one needs to know that you feel you've been ruined
Trade yourself in for diamond eyes
Watch the stars collide as you're lifted from your burden

Story of my life. Shinedown, Turn Yourself In. Great song.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-14T21:38:00

2005-11-15T02:38:34Z

I stole it
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
I died tomorrow:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
Personality:
Eyes:
Hair:
Family:
Body:

WOULD YOU:
Be my friend?:
Keep a secret if I told you one?:
Hold my hand?:
Take a bullet for me?:
Keep in touch?:
Try and solve my problems?:
Love me?:
Date me?:

HAVE YOU EVER:
Lied to make me feel better?:
Wanted to kiss me?:
Wanted to kill me?:
Broke my heart?:
Kept something important from me?:
Thought I was unbearably annoying?:

~*::And More::*~
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we met?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you gonna put this on yours to see what I say about you?

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-11T20:06:00

2005-11-12T01:35:50Z

She sits in her room and looks around. She carves every detail of it into her head, from the slanted entertainment center down to the piece of lint on the floor in the far left corner. She looks at her dark purple walls, covered with many posters of her favorite bands. Too bad they couldn't save her this time. She scans her floor looking at all of her most cherished items. She holds her stuffed animal Sheep Dog in her hands tightly. She's shaking now. She gets off of her bed and walks over to the door to make sure that it is locked. She draws her blinds shut too. Nobody will know until morning, even then they won't know for they won't be able to enter the room, besides picking the lock.

She knows how completely wrong this all is. She sits back on her bed, rocking back and forth. The pain in her stomach is not bearable. Her shaking is starting to get worse, she's starting to shake the whole bed. She watches the room as it starts to spin, all the colors melting together, making a disgusting brown color. Is this the last thing she's going to see before she dies?

She should have known that even death would be ugly. The brown color just shows how ugly living is. She's tried so many things for a release. Death was her last resort, unfortunately she had to use it. She feels the contents of her stomach working their way up her throat. She swallows the rancid taste appearing in her mouth. She won't let herself throw up. The key of her death is held in her stomach.

Finally she can't hold it any longer and she pukes all over her floor, all over her notebooks, all over her letter. She groans in pain and frustration. She wipes away the vomit from the letter with her hand, it doesn't matter if it's revolting, she won't have to live to have to smell that aweful smell on her hand.

She grabs the bottle where only a fourth of the contents that were there to begin with lye. She swallows them, replacing what she just threw up. She goes to her c.d. player and presses play. It turns onto her favorite song. "All Hail the Heartbreaker"

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

She fell on her bed as this verse was said. She was feeling so tired, so tired. Her eyes were slowly closing.

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

She slowly smiled. She had done that so many times. Tried to read somebody without getting very far. She wanted their words to mean so much more than they actually did. It just wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

She started crying, tears slowly making their way down her face. So slowly it was almost agonizing. She wanted to make a flood with her tears. Why did she have to hurt like this? What did she do? She was meant for more than this. She was meant for more than hurt, pain, anger, unhappiness. She was meant for more.

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Now she would never get her chance to make the biggest difference in the world. She would have made a huge difference. She didn't know that the smallest thing from her, even a smile could make someone's day so much better. She never knew that her kindness, her generosity would change people's lives for the better. She never knew that she was loved so much. A heartbreaking tale of a girl with no hope for the future, and no reason to believe in the past, and a present that was too hard to deal with. She died knowing nothing.

ishouldaknown @ 2005-11-11T18:52:00

2005-11-12T00:06:02Z

You're too young....

Those are the words I've been hearing out of everybody's mouths lately. I'm too young. To young to feel anything. Too young to feel real pain, too young to feel real love, too young to feel real anything. Does that mean I'm too young to feel real happiness? I don't know what it's like?

I don't believe you're ever too young to feel anything real. If you feel that swelling in your heart for any reason, it's real. It doesn't matter what age you are. You can feel anything.

Someone told me tonight that I'm too young to die. You're never too young to die either. Children die before they're even born. Kids die at young ages all the time. A lot of children don't even make it to be a month old, a week old, a day old. I am not too young to die.

I know, suicide is wrong. I've been through the therapy, been in the hospitals to get help. They say suicide isn't right. But is it right to feel like a failure, a mistake, like you're always doing something wrong? Is it right to wake up, look in the mirror, and every day hate yourself more than the next? Is it right to have this growing ball of hate inside of your heart? Is it right to feel trapped inside yourself, like you can never show your true colors for fear that everyone will shun you?

No.

It's not right at all. The world isn't right. Age doesn't have anything to do with it. The world has been like this forever. I'm too angry to write right now. I might write another entry out of pure anger, but I don't know.